Waiting indefinitely for the last Virgin American flight out of SFO to SAN.... I'm flying hone with Nala tonight, so I can be with Vix, and we can fly LAX-MNL togethering to be with Dad. To see Dad. To bring home his body. My heart aches just scratching each of these words out....
I don't know how I am. This morning I made myself smile when I awoke: Dad is in Heaven, with all the angels and souls who have been awaiting him. He's laughing and free, able to do everything he imagines-- no longer limited by a body that was increasingly frustrating him....
But then, it strikes me: (is it selfish?) I'm no longer someone's daughter.... No one knows you and loves you like your parents-- the people who dreamed of you, created and brought you into this world, know every nook and cranny, pretty and ugly side, of you. And, good or bad, a child can't be demanding-- demand and expect the same degree of indulgence and love-- as they can of the people who've know them since they were born. I'll never have my Dad step in to defend me, advocate for me, brag for me, so unabashedly and lovingly-- without expecting anything in return-- again. I can't feel how warm he is, and be surprised at how small or large he is when I hug him. I can't laugh with him, be outraged by him, tease him, be amazed by him. I don't know where to find him anymore.... It devastates me.
I don't know how I am. This morning I made myself smile when I awoke: Dad is in Heaven, with all the angels and souls who have been awaiting him. He's laughing and free, able to do everything he imagines-- no longer limited by a body that was increasingly frustrating him....
But then, it strikes me: (is it selfish?) I'm no longer someone's daughter.... No one knows you and loves you like your parents-- the people who dreamed of you, created and brought you into this world, know every nook and cranny, pretty and ugly side, of you. And, good or bad, a child can't be demanding-- demand and expect the same degree of indulgence and love-- as they can of the people who've know them since they were born. I'll never have my Dad step in to defend me, advocate for me, brag for me, so unabashedly and lovingly-- without expecting anything in return-- again. I can't feel how warm he is, and be surprised at how small or large he is when I hug him. I can't laugh with him, be outraged by him, tease him, be amazed by him. I don't know where to find him anymore.... It devastates me.
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